One word to describe yourself

If you only had one word to describe yourself to the world, your essence, the entirety of your being.
These are the words that I currently use to describe myself, or think of myself as:
- thoughtful
- inspirational
- intelligent
- pretty
- fat
- ambiguous
- lonely
- empowered
- happy
- intriguing
- funny
- sisterly
- motherly
- wifely
- friendly
- trusting
- trustworthy
- gullible
- wifely
- content
- ambitious
- passionate
- centered
- spiritual
- exclusive
- belittling
- judgmental
- prejudiced
- liar
- hurtful
- demanding
- nagging
- expectant
- rigid
- high-strung
- lost
- confused
- searching
- trying
- working
- hard
- rude
- shy
- loud
- giddy
- serene
- raunchy
- sleepy
- fatigued
- writer
- crafter
- worker
- manager
- contributor
- selfish
- buddhist
- christian
- married
- scholarly
- student


Do you have other words you would use to describe me?  Please be honest, as I can never learn, improve, and be a better person without honesty to myself and with others.

A New Me

I recently quit my job without having another job lined up. After panicking a bit, I realized that this would be the best for both Andrew and me as I would be able to stay at home and clean the house. With two years worth of clutter piling up, we do not have a room in the house that is clean and tidy. I have not realized up until now how stressful having a messy house can be, but as I have cleaned the house, I have felt a deep sense of purification within myself as well, and hope to continue my journey through the house.

Andrew and I have been able to spend more time working on us as well, which has been a wonderful change from the consistent talks just regarding work. While those still happen, and are added to questions about how my own search is going for my next career, we are also talking of other things. Current events are interesting when seen from the view of a person who is no longer stressed to the max, and can be less cynical about the world around her. I find that I am more often amused by the games than distraught by them.

Update!

I just realized how long it has been since my last post. It is probable that nobody reads this but on the off-chance that they do, I don't want them to miss out on several months worth!

In April, my husband and I went to Hawaii and it was absolutely amazing. We stayed on Kuai, and for the first portion of the 10 day trip, we rented a house in Kapa'a, which was absolutely gorgeous, modern, wall full of windows sort of house and was amazing. It was the most inspirational place I have ever been too. The southern portion on the island as well as the southwest is very arid and desert-like. The north and northwest of the island is a rain forest, and the eastern side is temperate. It was absolutely amazing to be able to visit each portion and enjoy the weather no matter wherever we were on the island. I felt at home there as I never have anywhere else, a connection to the writer in me, but then again, that may just be wishful thinking and the pleasantness of it being my husband's an my one-year anniversary/honeymoon trip.

After that, I finally got my Thyroid levels all figured out and the green light to start trying to get pregnant.

As far as work has been concerned, I also took on the role of Communications Director at the community and have really enjoyed the opportunity and challenges presented when facing the restructuring and retraining of employees for a department that was already in existence, although playing a different role.

My crochet club ladies and I are also working hard to make sure that we have crafts for our Alzheimer's Silent Auction coming up next month and hopefully we will have quite a few things to show for our efforts. I have raised some money online on my website and really appreciate any and all of the donations for that.

I don't really know what else to add at the moment. My husband is doing wonderfully and I am very proud of him and what he is working on as Director of Marketing at his company, and the cats are sleeping and purring away, just waiting for their next set of pets....and maybe a snack :) Until next time.

Time to think.

Sometimes, there seems to be too much time to think. One ends up examining, re-examining, and then further contemplating the same examinations of the feelings and/or ideas they began with. If you have ever done this, you are like me....and yes, you have issues :).

I have found myself in this rut several times in the past few months. For a while, I had to seriously contemplate where my career was heading and if I really wanted to be a part of that direction. After a long debate and conversation with myself and my husband, I decided that this is, indeed, what I want....which kind of sucked. It is much more difficult to stay somewhere that you have decided is going to be a right fit for you at some point and still try to fit your round peg into that square hole. So, a month later, I believe things are somewhat settling down into a regular pattern and working out more smoothly, which I definitely like. Still, I will have to be wary of any advanced signs of boredom.

My health has been improving steadily, although the hormones are still not completely regulated, I will go back in the beginning of March to find out what the next step is, if any. Hopefully the tests will come back well and I won't have to change anything, but I have a feeling that will not be the answer I receive. It is frustrating having to hold off on having children but the hormone regulation is very important for child development and my stress level which also affects child development, so I am trying to be patient. Even still, my weight is still climbing. The Wii fit has helped me get back into the mood to exercise but seems to limit my drive somewhat. I find myself yearning for warmer temperatures so I can start jogging and work my way up to running. If I can keep this drive in my mind, I believe that I can lose weight and gain my thinner physique.

My husband and I are doing very well. We have a few bumps in the road but what couple doesn't? I think that my health still affects us somewhat and my hours at work definitely have an effect on my patience with my husband, but he is perfect in the way he loves me for myself, the good and the bad. I love him the same way and although he does drive me crazy or upset me or frustrate me sometimes, I know that we will always get through things together. After the past year, I don't know how I would even begin to doubt that!

Social life - nonexistent. Mainly because of work, but also because I simply don't have many long-term friends in this area. One of my friends lives pretty close but he works a lot and usually at the opposite times that I do so it does not work out to hang out very often with him. Still, I need to try and make time to hang out with my friends more often, lest I begin to lose them. Still, I have begun to develop friendships with people at work (wow that sentence sounds cold, but true). I really enjoy what I do and who I work with, but not necessarily the constraints of how it must get accomplished. Such is life, however, and one must sometimes adhere to the standards before one can change them.

Personally I am working on my issues. I have been seeing a psychologist about the things that I need help working through. While I understand that no change comes overnight and a thought process change for someone who is always concentrating on thoughts is probably even more difficult (can't just stop and reboot), I have to try and work at it. Meanwhile I am falling asleep at my desk and have to be at work tomorrow, so I suppose I should probably head to sleep.

A Rose

This new post, because of the new year, should really focus on what has gone on since my last post, but it will not. Instead, it will focus on my favorite flower, the rose...specifically, the red rose.

To call it a miracle may seem trite, but it's simplistic, elegant beauty does remind me of miracles. Everything from the sateen velvety finish on the petal to the strength and fierceness of the stem and thorns makes me think. The smell tickles my nose....as all smells seem to, but I truly enjoy the scent of the rose and so cannot resist smelling them. The petals are both stretchy and yet strong for the fragility they present. Maybe it is the direct opposition of the petals to the sturdy stem and imposing thorns that makes all the difference of the rose.

Red is by far the only color I love. While all of the other colors are beautiful and plentiful, there is only one that represents boldness and passion. A vibrant declaration of feelings for another. Forgive the sweetness of the pinks or the steadiness of the whites, for they are beautiful but can never compare with a deep, vivid, red rose.

Remission of body, but not of mind?

Remission may refer to:

• Remission (spectroscopy), the reflection or scattering of light by a material
• Remission (Skinny Puppy album)
• Remission (Mastodon album)
• Re-Mission, a video game for young people with cancer
• In theology, "remission" is the forgiveness of sin.
• In penology, "remission" refers to the reduction of a prison sentence. See pardon.
  

My cancer is "in remission" which means that I am -ish. I'm cancer-free currently but with the caveat that it may come back at any time for any reason....or no reason at all. I have been in remission since September of this year, the best birthday present one can receive, I should think. Psychologically, I have not dealt with the cancer or any of it's consequences. The only reason I am thinking of it currently is because I am trying to prepare for my mother's surgery and four-day hospital stay later on this December. I did, however, find it interesting that remission can be attributed to so many meanings. While this is a wikipedia search and therefore not the most reliable, it is also very interesting.

I will be leaving for Branson in two weeks, which will be my very first trip by myself. I am looking forward to it. I've never had a trip where I got to make all of the calls. Whatever I want to eat, where to go, what to do, what to see. Nobody gets a say in what, who, where, when, or why I go to do something. It's a sense of freedom I'm sure I will be sick of after three nights alone without my husband and my cats, but I think it will do me some good for a while to be alone with my thoughts, my ideas, my mind, and my own feelings.

When I went on the 10-day trip to canada, I hated so much of the trip because of the loneliness even though there were others there, an overwhelming sense of self came out of it. Over the years between then and now, I feel as though I've grown out and away and lost much of the self I had found back then. My goal for myself for this trip is to redefine my goals for work, home, and self.

New Job, New Outlook

I finally received an offer and accepted it to work in what I am completely convinced will be an awarding career. I will be a Senior Living Counselor with the ability to use my psychology skills, my creativity, and my work ethic to assist this company's growth. Each and every one of the people I have talked with and worked with seem to be very friendly and while I know the rosy period will not last long, and drama will come to this new position as it has all the others, I cannot deny the pleasure of being proud of myself and this opportunity. I cannot wait to begin assisting Seniors and their families look at all of the options open to them in creating a better life for themselves and their families. I truly enjoy helping people and feel that not only can I do that with this company, but I can also provide for my family as well, which has always been a concern previously. Please feel free to look over the website. Although some of the information is somewhat out-of-date, we are excited to present Assisted Living at the Meadowlands! :)
http://meadowlandsassistedliving.com/

Newer Poems 1

No, It's Not All Right
It's not all right to feel this way,
To constantly wonder why,
I cannot be loved.
It's not all right to wonder why,
Nobody understands,
What I feel and need.
It's not all right that I can't describe,
These feelings to you,
without tears blocking the words.
It's not all right that I keep this
Bottled up inside,
Hiding it from you.
It's not all right that I consider it disfigurement,
This disease that eats away,
all our happy moments.
It's not all right that I cannot show you,
How you mean the world to me,
No, it's not all right, but I still love you.

I Know It
If I see it,
I can learn the colors of it's moods,
I can understand it's actions through sight,
If I can see it, I can know it.
If I touch it,
The texture's become it,
The temperature of it's moods move me,
If I can touch it, I can know it.
If I taste it,
The saltiness will make me crave it,
The sweetness, and bitterness define it,
If I can taste it, I can know it.
If I can smell it,
I will remember it,
Pungent, or wonderful, I will be attracted or repelled by it,
If I can smell it, I can know it.
If I can hear it,
It will make an impact on me,
Whether sweet and melodious, or harsh and abrasive,
If I can hear it, I can know it.
If I can sense it,
I make it real,
but what if I can't?
If I can't sense it, can I know it?
If I believe it,
Then can I sense it?
Or am I just creating the sensations to go with my perceptions?
If I just believe it, can I know it?

Anxiety
It's there, all of it,
floating through my mind even as
it never leaves me.
My heart yearns to know
days without anxiety
holding me down here.
It hurts, knowing that
you wont understand my fear;
my pain is mine alone.
Years cannot take away
the wounds that have done so much
never healing me.
Childhood will always
remain a figment of my
created matrix.
The walls of my mind
will only hold me back if
I allow them to.

Writing

It is the ink, I think,
The flowing of it onto the page,
I love watching the marks I make.
The words themselves release my pain,
My frustrations, anger, and sorrow flee,
When I have my pen and paper with me.


What Bothers Me So?

It is not the world that bothers me so,
Nor the people, the animals, the weather,
Nor even my moods, which may vary randomly and seemingly out of my control.
No, it is the ignorance that bothers me so,
The refusal to take action, responsibility,
The refusal to have the courage to be wrong, even if it avoids hurting someone.
It is not you or me, but you and me.
It is not black, white, mixed,
But rather green, blue, purple, red, yellow, and brown, because it is our earth.
Shall we choose the easy road, the he said, she said, but but buts?
I shall hope not, for ignorance does bother me so.

Bride to Be

When I said yes I didn't realize the test
Would come long before we said our vows.
I had no idea of the strains of time and that
budgets could make us so frustrated.
This is supposed to be a beautiful day,
momentous and pure and yet I forget
The chores we must do before we
can receive the blessings of those we love.
It is so easy to lost sight of what
this day will mean to us for the
rest of our lives, because of those
expectations from the people we love.
Even still, I can't wait to see the look on your face
As i walk down the aisle toward you, the love of my life.
I can't wait to see if the planning we've done makes us
happier that day, or if it will be fun. Either way, I kinda just want it done.

Blah

Nothing at all to do,
No energy to move.
Who cares about what comes next?
Let someone else have all that stress.
I don't feel like it,
So let's just sit.
Don't feel like sleeping,
Laughing or weeping.
Can't make me choose,
What we should do.
Save your hurrahs,
Today is just blah.


Tears

Can't breathe, vision blurring,
Bouts of despair that keep returning.
Body curling, fighting against,
These feelings never making sense.
The world around me has not changed,
Why then can't I feel the same,
As those around me who seem to know
What to do and just where to go?
Lately I cannot even react,
To simple things with sense and tact.
My eyes are watering, my throat constricts,
What sets me off? I cannot predict.
My stomach rolls like thunder clouds,
Every organ reacts to shouts out loud.
What happened to my stoic presence?
Why can't I react in a way that makes sense?
I long to find that peace and joy,
The inner child whose world is her toy.
I crave the ideals that I once entertained,
Somehow I fear I'll never be the same.

My Solace

It is only for you I come home to stay,
And only for you I come out and play.
I long to see you each morning only to find,
You've left my bed and me behind.
And yet it is a short walk until I'm reassured,
You'll always be there, keeping me safe and secure.
My warmth and my love, my heart and my fire,
You are my solace and my only desire.


Waiting

For something...
But what?
Fingers drumming...
Nothing coming,
Why can't something happen?
No longer bored, but still waiting.
What for? I don't know, maybe I never will...
Thoughts drifting, mind spacing,
Back to reality! But what is that exactly?
Ideas and thoughts crowd the mind, only to be left,
drifting,
as the body wearily lays about,
Waiting, waiting,
For the world to pass me by.

Wishing for Me

I was once,
A cunning child, calculating, and selfish.
I was once,
A perfect child, innocent, and sweet.
I was once,
An interested child, attentive, and committed.
I was once an anxious child,
And find I still am now.
For all these things I once was, I'm still awaiting who I am now.
Am I all these descriptives I get daily at work? Do I really belong to the words of my teachers, or those of my friends? Is it my family who knows me, or my fiance himself?
What it is to learn and know who I was,
All I wish now is to know who I am.

Pure

Purity of life comes from wonder,
knowledge and the desire to understand.
Purity of life comes from us,
Sharing our cares and memories.
Knowledge of life comes from living,
Although living is accompanied by many things.
Knowledge of life comes to us,
Throughout each moment we breathe.
Love of life comes from people,
Knowing and growing with each other.
Love of life comes from and to us,
Because we open our hearts and our minds.

Another of You

I smile when I see you,
Feel you when I don't,
Love you and care for you,
Even though I know you wont.
I know happiness when you are around,
Although it is subtle and sweet,
Always hope crashes to the ground,
Every time you leave me to weep.
Why can't you simply stay with me,
Why can't you simply love me,
I need you here with me,
So why won't you be?

Saving the rainforest one click at a time

Pure Girlish Excitement

So I never thought that I would be the type to go crazy over something as girly as a wedding dress and shopping for shoes, bridesmaid dresses, hair, etc… It somewhat surprises me even now that I’m feeling completely giddy and excited about the fact that I tried on my dress, although it’s in a different color, today, and then ordered it!!! I didn’t even bat an eyelash when my mother unexpectedly decided that she would pay for the dress!! I’m not going to complain considering it was over a thousand dollars that I definitely do not have… Of course, this afternoon I ended up spending four hundred on my car, but that’s something I’ll talk about in a little bit.

So Crystal, Kayla, Mom, and I all went to The Enchanted Bride, a shop off of Olive in St. Louis and I tried on my dress for the second time. I was as excited about the dress this time as I was last time, which is what I figured when I tried it on the first time, so I decided to order it. We also tried on a veil, which is beautiful and I think just the right length and I received that one for free along with the dress. Then as that shop did not have the bridesmaid dress in stock that the girls wanted to try on, we decided to head out to Brides by Demetrios in Clayton so they could see if the dress was there to try on. It was!!! The atmosphere was ok in there, not as busy as David’s Bridal (which I couldn’t stand), but not as customer-oriented as The Enchanted Bride either. The girls really liked the dress and in comparing prices, we decided to go back to the Enchanted Bride after lunch to order their gowns.

For lunch we headed to the Cheesecake Factory as it’s one of my favorite restaurants and Crystal had never been before. The service was completely atrocious!!! I love the restaurant and I’m even tempted to not return. The service was slow (40 minutes to receive our food), and then Kayla received the wrong pizza and they took it back promising a new one in 3 minutes, but fifteen minutes later we were all ready to leave and the pizza hadn’t returned, nor had our waitress. This wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if mom didn’t have an appointment to be to, but it was very frustrating. I finally went up to the front desk after another ten minutes and asked for someone to come and help us. Either way I felt really bad that the service was so horrible the one time I brought my friends. Whatever, I don’t even want to go back there for quite a while.

Mom cut her massage a little bit short and didn’t seem too disappointed and Kayla, Crystal, and I headed back to the dress shop to go and get them fitted. It was really quite amusing to see the look on the lady’s face when we all walked back in to get the dresses ordered!!! She was very nice though, and got us taken care of right away. They received 10% off their dresses because I ordered my dress through them.

After all that was said and done I dropped Crystal off at her truck (which was at my house), and then went to go get my oil changed. Dobbs said it would take them two hours and although I had my book I was not willing to waste two hours of my day sitting in that little waiting room for them to scratch their butts so I went over to Jiffy Lube, which seemed slow anyway, and it only took them 40 minutes to get my oil changed, flush the transmission, and take care of a couple of other maintenance issues I asked them to take care of. I though that was pretty nice rather than having to wait until five to get my car back and start in on my homework.

I got my presentation for Marketing pretty much finished but I want the group to look over it anyway. I will memorize what I have until told otherwise and then adjust as necessary. I still haven’t started studying for my Social and Cognitive finals yet, but I think I will do fine as I’ve been to pretty much every class and I’ve done well so far. I can hope anyway.

On another note, work has been somewhat crazy. I think we’ve resolved the issue we had with one of the managers not cooperating with the rest of us, but now we’ve got to look forward to a major executive coming into town next week. My personal life totally does not need this right now, but such is life.

Andrew’s been working late very frequently but he’s about to get a big promotion so it’s all going to work out for the best. This will mean more stress and probably more work for him, but that’s a fair trade for him getting ahead and getting to do what he wants to do. If I didn’t think he would enjoy the advancement opportunity I’d be more worried than happy, but I think this will be a very good opportunity for his growth.

That said, I’m going to bed as the insomnia has finally worn off apparently and will hopefully allow me to sleep now. Good night. By the way, keep in touch!! J

Engagement and Divorce?

The trip to Scottsdale, Arizona over the New Year was wonderful. The weather was perfect. Andrew and I did a lot of relaxing, while at the same time having fun going around to the spa and taking a drive out to see my grandmother and her boyfriend in Tucson. We had good news to bring them because on New Year’s Eve, Andrew asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes, and after a few tears things were perfect. Well that Sunday we went to tell my parents about the engagement and they seemed excited but somewhat tense, I would find out why later.

Work has been going well and I’m getting used to the full time position and I had a week of buffer before this week when school started so even though it was slow, it helped me get used to pulling forty hours. No big deal, at least not until Wednesday when my mother called and told me that she was divorcing my father and would be moving out on Friday. I flipped out. Not on the phone with her, but inside, I was totally freaking out. I still am.

Needless to say Friday was a tense day. My father didn’t know about the divorce yet so I was to tell my brother and keep him and me out of the situation for a while. We went to see a movie, I honestly don’t remember which one we went to see, then we moved mom out of the house after dad had left for work. I had been preparing for the worst, and hoping for the best, but nobody got hurt or did anything stupid, so I was relieved about that. At the same time, though, I ended up staying up with mom and moving until about 3:30 in the morning on Saturday morning. I was supposed to come in and work on Sunday but decided there was no way that was going to happen.

Since then, mom has decided to reconsider marriage counseling. She and my father are still going to live apart for a while, but they’ll go to counseling to see if they can save the marriage. For my brother’s sake, and for their own happiness I wish them the best either way.

I am trying on wedding dresses on Sunday and Andrew and I bought a sleep number bed (hopefully I’ll finally be able to sleep), so I guess that other than drama, life is perfect right now. I just hope my brother is doing okay with everything. In some ways, I tend to think I’m the stronger of the two of us, but I really think he had me beat in this instance, not that it’s a competition. I guess I do sometimes need a shoulder to lean on as much as him.

Christmas Season

It's been quite a while since I last wrote, so I figured that it was time for an update. Things have been going well enough for me. I have no complaints about the lovely house, my wonderful kittens, or my handsome boyfriend.... I do, however, have some real issues with one of my jobs. I figured that I would enjoy being my own boss and setting my own goals. I was wrong. I may enjoy being the boss, but I also need some structure, some defined goals to achieve. I find myself drifting listlessly at the moment in at least one of my jobs. I really don't enjoy it at all.... which leaves me to find another path, and I'm actually considering moving back to Office Depot, because as much as I hated the job, I love it first and there are still aspects I really enjoy about retail whenever I am in the store.

I am also considering taking a different path and finding a way to work full time for the company I am currently with. I need to find a real job anyway, a career to begin. My life is headed in a Human Resources direction, but at the moment I am only finding Band-Aid jobs and while I apply and apply, I always seem just short of grasping those goals.

I have decided that the two evils in this world are health insurance and money. Health insurance is useless in most cases, and absolutely useless for college students who are poor anyway.

Enough griping. I'm looking forward to the trip coming in a few weeks. Andrew and I are going to Scottsdale, Arizona for New Years, which should be fun. Even the kittens are allowed a holiday in a little kitten hotel. He and I are supposed to stop by sometime this week to check it out and make sure that everything looks good. Well, hope life's well with those of you who read this, and even those of you who don't. Take care.

If I could delete a week from my life.....

This past week has been stupid. That's really the only way to describe it. All of the little things that have gone wrong with the house, my own attitudes, lack of sleep, and stress all make for one week of hell. None of it was really even that bad, but I'll go day by day anyway.

Sunday - work wasn't that bad, boring but not horrible. Came home and my kittens were sneezing. Leo completely lost his energy though and by the time we went to bed, I was wondering if he would make it through the night with his little wheezing and sneezing. Ayla was sneezing but not nearly as bad as leo. So i stayed up most of the night with them to make sure they were ok.

Monday - Took the cats to the vet, which was actually really good, except for when they had to take their temps and the kittens screamed because you don't take their temps through their mouths. We got some medication becuase they just have colds and I am to feed it to them twice a day, all is good.

Tuesday - blinds are to be installed. For some reason, rather than having blackout blinds for the bedroom (which makes sense), the guy wrote down for the master bathroom. End result being a really dark bathroom that's kinda spooky at night, and a lighter bedroom that I would have loved. The color of the blinds is perfect though, and they measured them unbelievably well.

Wednesday - direct tv guys are supposed to be here somewhere between 6 and 8. Andrew and I get up early even though the night before I still hadn't slept well (kittens had been much more playful the past night or two). At around 8:15 andrew called because he had to be at work at 9. They were on their way. Apparently they always have meetings on wednesdays but the schedulers dont know that??? When the guy DID show up, he told andrew it would be 4 HOURS to get it installed. End result, andrew is working from home.
Meanwhile, I had gone of to school to review for a test I had and couldn't find a parking spot for half an hour, which also took up a quarter tank of gas. So i gave up and went to walmart to pick up my prescription, get gas, and pick up my video game. My video game wasn't in, so I went to the cheesecake factory and ate fattening food to make myself feel a little bit better. When i was done, I headed back to the store to pick up my game, got into a fender-bender (that really didn't end up making a scratch and nobody worried about it but still ) , was told the game was still not in, and headed to take my test, which I had studied a bit for at the cheesecake factory. Got to my test, blanked out and didn't remember a damn thing. On the way home, nearly felt I was going to lose control of my car twice again becuase my tires don't seem to grip on wet surfaces.... and went to bed before I headed to class.... The rest of the evening went really well, but I was still very tired.

Thursday - work went as smoothly as possible I suppose, although everyone seemed in a rather foul mood. One of my coworkers received a call her cousin's baby had died, and that was heartbreaking as well as shocking to everyone. Came home and played video games before taking a long bubble bath and reading my book.... did not relax me as it should have.

Today - Friday - so far has been good, although the landscapers are here now and the maids are coming later. We will see how this goes. I will not get my hopes up, but I don't want to feel angry either, so who knows.

Anyway, I was also hoping to get a call back for a job I had a second interview for a week ago and haven't heard. A friend of mine gets married today and while I'm really happy for him, there is a sense of melancholy because I feel like we'll probably never really hang out again (he hasn't really hung out with me since he's had her as a girlfriend), but who knows. I need to stop anticipating the worst.... I'm going to sleep.

Transitioning, Friendships, and other stuff

Recently I've been thinking about some things. I've decided that I hate moving. It's not just the packing of things, the frustration of realizing that no matter how hard you work or try to map things out, you will ALWAYS forget something. It's also the idea, feelings, and memories associated with leaving a place. It seems I never learn or realize how much a place means to me until I'm packing up and shipping out (typically to a place that's not even very far from the first).

So why move? Well part of it has to do with transition, such as moving away from the parents and into the dorm and some of it has to do with lack of space like my current move with my boyfriend out of the condo where we really share one room and a bathroom, because of the other roommate. I'm still finding myself in horrible spirits as this move comes along even though I am extremely excited about starting my new life with my boyfriend and our two babies (we're adopting kittens because children are too much for us at the present).

I wont lie, I am a total pack rat. Every time I decide whether to keep something or throw it out, I go through a series of debates with myself. In the end, I typically decide to keep the object, feeling that I've gotten rid of plenty already, only to throw it out later when I decide I really didn't need it in the first place...

On another topic, I think I might be finally beginning to mature. I go through these times where I swear to myself and others that I am really mature, only to be knocked on my butt when I realize some transition has actually occurred. The latest one for me was actually hanging out with several of my friends recently. I realized that no matter how far people go or what they are doing, it always seems like they've been right there the whole time, even if you've been horrible about keeping in touch.

Some of the things we've talked about I'd forgotten, some I remembered even though I may not have wanted to, and others were just downright funny. It's pretty interesting how the nickname "moose" can bring back with it so many memories, some good and others not. It always jolts me back to earth and causes me to remember yet again that I should probably write that letter that I have been meaning to, or (as is more typical), actually find an envelope and stamp to actually mail it off.

HI :)

I haven't really said anything for a couple of weeks, and anybody who knows me knows that I like talking, so I figured that I would type up a new blog. Problem is, I'm not really sure what to type.....hmmmm.

Well, I am starting to work on some research for school. The more I look into research studies that have already been completed and the more I begin to focus on working on my own research, the more excited I find myself getting. There are so many things out there to study!!! Of course, I mainly want to study people, but that doesn't really limit the field of study at all, so then I have to decide whether I want to study people in their work environment, how they interact (in any number of relationships), their personalities....how they shop, what they buy, how they decide what they want versus what they need... Any of these topics have so many levels to them that one could get tired simply looking for the beginning of the loop. Still, I find it extremely interesting to read other people's studies and see what has interested someone. I saw a study that designed a color system for people and showed their compatibility on that color system. Then I saw another study disproving that one!

Aside from experimental studies are also the simple observational studies where we people watch. What we are looking for is going to depend on the type of research being done, as well as what people's reactions to us will be. I find people watching to be immensely entertaining. I think everybody participates at some point, but I actually have a job where one day a week if it is slow, all I end up doing is people-watching. It excites me to see what the children will run to, or how a person's face changes when someone gets mad, or when people look when you know they are arguing, but you cannot hear what they are saying.

All of these things draw my interest simply because I have experienced some form of them at some point in my life. I was once a child, running around and finding whatever toy would cheer me up for that moment. I have also been in one of those arguments with family members where I know someone had to see us, but I was too busy feeling guilty for whatever it was I had done to be worried about what other people thought of the interaction.

Now with this, I am not people watching to judge people. I have no method with which to judge them anyway. I do not know who they are, what they do, or what they want out of life. Nor do I know the events leading up to these actions, nor do I know what will follow. Still, I find it interesting to watch and try to understand what is going on currently, in whatever situation I am observing.

Anyhow, I don't really know what else to write. My boyfriend and I are still doing well, getting ready to move into the house. My birthday is a week from Tuesday, although I don't think I'll be able to celebrate it for a while because I have tests and projects coming up that take priority, plus he has a lot going on with this own school and work. Who knows though, maybe we'll find time to go to dinner or something. Anyway, I'd love to hear from you...whoever you are... so email me or call me or...whatever!

Attraction

What is it about a person that makes them so attractive? I have finally figured out what my "type" is. He needs to be a brunette, ambitious (but not overly so), family oriented, successful (or working toward it), intelligent, funny, and attentive. But that doesn't really fit with the types of guys I find physically attractive.

Let me rephrase that. Every guy that I have crushed on for looks first, I have never dated for one reason or another. There is only really one that I really wanted to date after getting to know him more. Intelligence seems to be my biggest factor in deciding attraction, but at the same time, certain body types seem to pull at me....and I really don't know why.

Some might think that they would look like my father, but they don't. The only thing that really is comparative to my father is the slender build, but even that is dependent upon the guy. I really like toned arms and back, because I see that as a sign of healthiness and dedication to self as well as to work and play. I just don't understand why when I see somebody's physical attributes and find them so .... magnetic (for lack of a better word)..... I never end up finding the person to be compatible with me.

Maybe it has something to do with the safety zone and the fact that I am really shy around guys unless I am currently dating somebody or they are currently dating somebody. That's a potential reason, but maybe I just need to research more about the psychology and biology of attraction. It is an interesting question to ponder though...

Biological Psychology

Biological Psychology is now my favorite subject of all time. I may be more excited about this than even the sensation and perception stuff. I was so completely engrossed in yesterday's class, I barely noticed the time go by. We learned about how Novocain works, which I may explain here in a minute just for something else to write. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, but I know that this has to be apart of it. I've almost outlined four entire chapters of the book. That's all the chapters for the first test. At the moment, the last one seems to be the hardest, but we'll see how that goes.

I'm still enjoying the Human Resources class and I get to do a job analysis this semester as well as a performance appraisal. In Research Methods, I will be doing five mini experiments, and five mini apa papers. In Biological Psychology, I will be learning about how the Central Nervous System functions and what causes some abnormal behaviors and what affects them. In abnormal psychology, I will learn about psychological disorders, methods for treating such disorders as well as some of the biology that goes along with the disorders.

I think the most exciting part for me right now is to be reading a book and realize I already know some of the information, and I'll catch myself adding facts to a paragraph that the author(s) skimmed over. That, to me, is extremely exciting and enjoyable. It makes the work of the last, what, sixteen years, finally seem worthwhile, even if it's only for my own ego.

The other exciting thing going on right now is that I will (hopefully) be doing at least one research project this semester, if not two. That will help increase my chances of getting into grad school as well as giving me valuable contacts for references for jobs or my grad school application. I am so excited about things right now. It's actually difficult to stop and relax for a while. I have to force myself to stop doing things and just to relax for a while so that I don't get burned out, as is the typical process at this part of the semester. We will see if I am this excited in October or November. Then we will probably know where things stand and whether or not I need to change my plan for my own future. Well, I guess that's it for me right now, let me know if you have any thoughts, input, or just annoyance at my ramblings....

As Requested

I was recently requested to blog more and I have been trying to think about topics for several days even as the world around me seems to teeter on the brink of.... who knows. Anyway, so I thought about writing about how I felt when I started thinking about something random to do for the guy I love. I am not good at random, and I am horrible at gift giving. So I thought about it for a while and while I was thinking, Forever your Girl by Paula Abdul came on the radio.

My first thought was definitely about when I was a kid and I'd take my dad's tapes and play them while I was doing laundry or some chore or another. I used to love the Paula Abdul tape because it was so high tempo throughout the tape. Anyway, as the song was playing, my thoughts ran towards relationships and how I'd always planned on having one like the one I'm in now, but wondered if it was really possible.

Anyway, after all this thought, I finally realized I was going to end up making him a cd of mushy love songs. It took me about two hours, WAY longer than I expected, to pick out songs that actually applied to us. Long story short (is this really short?), he loved it. I can't even describe how I felt when I opened up the email during my research methods class and read his response....

As far as work goes, the Copy Center position is a great relief for my mind. I was worried when my boss looked at me the first day and wanted to see if I could stay late. I did, but I also told him I wouldn't be in a different day of the week. I don't mind staying late or doing extra work, I just want to make sure that it is all reciprocal from day one. Other than that, though, it is really satisfying to be able to look at a stack of collated and bound booklets and know that I worked on those, they look great, and somebody will be looking at them tomorrow or the next day. It doesn't even matter what is actually in the book, so long as I do my job right and make it look good.

The HP thing starts this saturday, so we will see how that goes. I can sell technology, so I am not worried about that part. I just want to make sure I get into the swing of things, filling out the forms I need to, talking to the people I should, and such.

My toe is feeling much better, thankfully, although I will admit the shoes I wear to the Copy Center position are going to have to change because they make my feet and my calves ache something fierce. My social life is nothing currently, but that's to be expected at the beginning of the semester.

Andy and I are doing well. I keep looking at wedding stuff, deciding what I want things to look like even if I don't pick out the finalized products. I don't know where we are going to have the wedding, but I guess he needs to propose first. I can't really even get a budget going until that happens. Hmmmmmm...... well I've already nagged him plenty so I'm not going to nag him anymore.

Sensation and Perception

I have to admit that my obsession with this subjects borders on a masochistic obsession. I bought a book I've been coveting for about a year and a half now, Sensation and Perception by Goldstein. When I got the book in, I found out that a lab manual can go with it, but I'll have to save up for that because that's another hundred dollars. Anyway, when I received the book, I was so perversely pleased with it, I must have stared at the cover for a good ten minutes before I even opened it up, anticipating the knowledge it would hold.

I know this seems completely weird and borderline crazy (although I never said I wasn't...) but I think I've finally convinced myself that I can at least pursue my dream of writing a volume of books about the human species even if nobody buys them, and nobody wants to publish them. I'm finally beginning to have the dream for myself and not for the money I can see at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, other than that, the house has been pushed back to the beginning of October. I will be starting Express Scripts on Monday and I will work at CostCo as an HP rep on Saturdays it looks like. Life seems to be looking up.... My toe is still weird even though they removed part of the nail on Wednesday, but I'm hoping it will be nice again by next week. It doesn't really matter if it isn't, I just imagine it will be easier to walk again.

Well, please keep in touch!

My achilles heal......errrrrr big toe?????

Who knew an ingrown toenail could be so painful??? For a month now I've been trying to clean out and heal up this infected big toe to no avail. Finally, this morning, I went to a health clinic where the nurse practitioner tried to get it all cleaned out for me.

After I regained consciousness, she told me that it was worse than she expected, put me on some antibiotics, and ibuprofen, and told me I would probably have to have my toenail removed. SWEET!!!! In the meantime, I'm loopy, pussy, and in general uncomfortable as I try to walk without touching my big toe to anything at all around it. It's so annoying to be able to do so many things normally and then have something as small as my toe hurt me so much that I can't seem to do anything.

Anyways, other than that, I have much news to impart!!!!

I quit Depot, or at least put in my notice. I feel that I need a break from retail to focus more on school and to prevent ultimate burnout. I am now going to be an HP rep and work in the copy center for a major corporation. I feel like both opportunities will not only enable me to make enough money to pay my bills, but also focus on my homework and schoolwork.

Aside from that the house is about five weeks from being move-in ready. Andy and I are making plans on how we are going to fill it up already as well as beginning to pack up the stuff we aren't going to need from the condo.

Then comes school. I am only attending for twelve hours and only on two days of the week, but I would imagine that this will be my toughest semester yet because the course work is definitely going to be difficult and most likely strenuous. I am most excited about my Biological Psychology class and I have also purchased a book for my Sensation and Perception books that I want to write. That should help me in understanding many of the basic functions of sensation and perception so that I may research it on several other levels. My initial reports, or novels, or whatever you would like to call them are primarily going to be a meta-analysis of the studies and theories that have already been presented.

Hmmmmm, alright maybe it's time for me to go to bed. We have a lot to do tomorrow, and only a day to do it in. Hopefully I'll get a call from Human Resources for the company I am supposed to be a copy center associate for.