Stuck in Dallas

So we're stuck in Dallas. This isn't really that big of a problem for me, but the people all around me are complaining. Does it have something to do with the fact that every other flight to St. Louis has been canceled, or to the fact that tomorrow is Friday, and another workday for most people?

I just enjoyed a wonderfully free trip to Cancun, Mexico, compliments of my boyfriend's corporation.... a benefit of working the hardest or being liked the most. I am not quite sure which one won him the most votes, but I certainly won't complain.

Anyway, we have been in Dallas since 4 p.m. In that time we have had a wonderful dinner, traveled the airport quite a bit, my boyfriend has taken a nap on the floor, I've read 250 pages of my wonderful book, Eragon, and watched entire planes worth of people get frustrated and angry.

I know that this is like anybody else's experience with bad weather in an airport and I do not feel very badly about it. It could be because I am relaxed, or just because I have the day off of work tomorrow, but I do not feel rushed at all. I do feel bad to the many people around me that have friends, family, and commitments to get to. My boyfriend himself has a very important meeting tomorrow that he does not want to miss, but it will not be the end of the world if he does.

The one thing that I can appreciate is that I have met many interesting people tonight. Everybody seems entranced with the plane that is sitting behind us with its lights off and engines off. Every once in a while the engines will start up just to tease us, although I am definitely sure there is some functional reason for their starting and stopping.

All-in-all nothing to get overly stressed about. One must come to terms that every once in a while, they cannot control their universe. And with that, back to my book of fantasy.

Don't Judge Me!

So I've been doing some serious soul-searching as a result of rampant anxiety-attacks this past semseter. I finally went to see a psychologist so that I might figure out and maybe fix this little annoying problem

So we talked about me, or rather, I talked about me for quite a while. What my life is like now, how things are going, what stresses me out, and why I think my family issues may be the root of all this stress. Nothing you guys haven't heard before. Of course, it's her job to start asking more and more questions to see just what it is that bothers me.

Here I am, sitting in a room I don't want to be in, talking to a lady I really would like to ignore, about things I don't want to think about, and all because I want to be a nicer person. So this obviously didn't make me all that happy. All I felt after the first session was completely drained. that was three weeks ago.

So after a few more sessions and a bit of crying, I think I may have helped myself a little bit. I still don't know exactly what about my past right now causes the whole anxiety thing. I also don't have a quick fix to any of my problems, which is what I was hoping for. I want to go for like three sessions, declare myself cured, and go on my way. No such luck, apparently.

I have discovered that it is okay to show more emotions than just happiness and anger, though, and I'm learning for the first time how to recognize and describe some of my feelings. It's kind of funny (and probably rather boring for you to read but whatever), but I can recognize nuances pretty easily in other people, but not in myself.

I've got a lot of interesting issues in my life that are not going to seem as though they are overly dramatic, and I should probably just "get over them," but I know that will not happen until I actually acknowledge the impact they have had on my own life.

Stories

Have you every experienced one of those really creative times. These are times when you feel like you can rule the world, if you just try, like every solution will come to you in time, like life is just waiting for you to get up and do something? Ok, so maybe that sounds weird, or corny, or just dumb, but that's kinda how I've been feeling lately (all of the above).

Anyway, I started writing again... for pleasure, not work or school, or any type of requirement. I had forgotten really what it is like to write something that has a deep meaning for yourself. I think when we truly write from the heart, everybody can relate in some way or another. I've had a bout of crazy dreams lately that have certainly sparked this creative streak and right now I have at least three different story ideas. Will any one of these get published, will they have meaning to anybody other than myself? Who knows.

It makes me think about what makes a good story. Of course it has to be interesting, but what really makes a good story? Is it a hidden meaning? If so, how hidden? I hated reading all those "stupid" (don't judge me....) poems and stories in literature and being told that I had incorrectly interpreted the writer's meaning. If the writer wanted me to know what she/he meant, why didn't she/he simply state it clearly? I think the real answer is because the writer wasn't writing it for us, but rather for her/himself.

Not to be rude, but I really don't care if anybody decides to read this post. It is really just a chance for me to make a public appearance, and tell you what I think. I write on here for myself. Some of it is censored so that I don't offend my friends (some of which may possibly read this if they're trying to fall asleep...). When I write for myself, I feel this sense of release. It is more than just a release of tension, more than simply a release of the pent up and constricted politically correct thoughts and actions, but rather a release of me. I feel like I am free to do as I please when I can say as I please. Still, we have many societal values in place that will not allow for me to say certain things without being judged extremely harshly, but I can still say much of what I feel without offending most people... maybe.

BORED?

Wow... so it's aparently time for an update that's not so down... Finals are over!!! Not only that but I did a lot better in all of my classes than I thought that I was going to. I have a week to get things together before I go to Vegas with my wonderful boyfriend, Andy. We'll be in Vegas over Christmas for about five days or so but I'll probably still have my laptop with me because I have to keep in touch with people.

Speaking of people... I need to get out and experience culture again. It feels like I've suddenly sheltered myself from the world and experience. It annoys me when I let myself get so caught up in my own stressors that I do not allow myself to see how insignificant the stressors in my life really are. When I compare the blessings of our culture to other cultures that do not seem to have as much money or freedom as we do, it makes me again realize how small my worries really are.

In order to understand who we are, we must understand the world around us not only from our own perspective, but also the perspectives of each of the people around us. To many times we look at them and try to explain them from our own eyes and our own perspectives only to be brought up short. It is not possible sometimes to truly understand what motivates somebody from our own culture to do something. How then, can we expect to understand somebody with different symbols, and cultural values entirely?

I recently finished (lol, just took the final in is more like it) an introduction to clinical psychology class that really struck several cords in me regarding values and norms. How can we expect to judge somebody to have a disorder when we have no idea what their values are? Often that comes back to religious beliefs but sometimes it is as simple as learning not to tell a lie, or telling a lie depending on the culture. How do you "fix" somebody that does not have a disorder in their culture, and who are you to say they need "fixing" in the first place?

Retail Hell

I love working in retail when I can work on getting things set up and see that I have made some progress. I really like to feel like I'm starting something new, something that other people will enjoy. Even though it is simply signing and putting furniture in the right spots, I feel like I'm a part of something bigger.

When the store opens, I end up dealing with the customers, the one's that I have done all of this work for. I have cleaned and polished, and finished all of my signing to make their lives easier and to hopefully promote a sale to them. They critique my furniture as though it is an extension of me, as if every knick is a flaw of mine. I know they do not mean it this way, and do not take offense, but rather add to the list of things needing to be repaired or replaced in my ever diminishing hours over in furniture.

I have a flaw....I know too much about retail. I know too much about how to do each of the jobs necessary in my store and because I can do each of them, I am placed in every department of the store other than my area. I cannot hope to get anything done because of this. I love my job but not the stupid questions asked by customers or my bosses. Do not get me wrong my job makes me happy and I enjoy helping somebody but there are only so many times people can ask an obvious question before you wanto answer sarcastically.

I'm bored, so I'm going to go out now.

Silence

Have you ever felt the urge to simply melt away? What I mean is melt into the background and simply disappear, wondering which of the people around you would notice first, if any. I don't wonder whether my friends care about me or not, but rather what affect, if any I've had on their lives. Each of us hopes to have a positive affect on one another or at least for everybody to have positive memories of us when we are gone. I sometimes wonder, like tonight (when I'm drifting in this strange not depressed but certainly not happy mood) what the people would say about me should something happen. Of course it is not proper for them to be happy, but it would be funny, if somewhat saddening if they were to throw a party...(although i'd be dead, so who's there to care right lol). If I could choose what I would have people remember of me, I would like to think they would remember me as passionate, caring, driven, intelligent, playful, and loyal...(i sound like a dog.......wow).

I know this seems strange for someone my age, (21 for those of you who don't know) to be thinking about death and what people will remember of me. A little bit of history might be necessary. Everybody deals with death in a different way. I deal with death by immersing myself in work and school and socializing. I turn into a social butterfly every time something bad happens to me, hiding everything I am feeling. When the grief does surface, it surfaces in periods of depression or at least a random melancholy that creates thoughts such as those above. I begin thinking about my legacy and what I will leave behind. I am a poor college student, worth more dead than alive at the moment....although I'm sure my parents would love for me to stay around to pay off my student loans lol...

So the only thing that I really have is memory. I don't have many pictures of me and my friends doing the things we have done, but they remember me for them still. My coworkers, who knows what they'd say about me, but I would hope it might be something along the lines of what I have above. They might add pushy, bossy, annoying, or some other form of it, but that's ok too. Ummmm yea, I guess that's it for the mood tonight, I'm going to go to bed.

Exhaustion

Anybody that has ever taken a class involving the word stress, or gone to work, or school, or lived any sort of challenging life has at some point hit the exhaustion stage. I hit sometime Saturday when I was working for the 15th day in a row. Now this is not to say that I worked at Office Depot for fifteen days in a row, no I only worked there for six days at a time in a row, then I would go home and on sundays I would take off to go do homework for twelve hours, or at least as many hours as I could keep my eyes awake.

So Saturday is my last full day working before I can take a couple of days "off." This really means that I can simply finally get caught up on all of the damn school work that I've been putting off so that I could get the overtime hours at work. Even though I know I'm going to like my next check, it makes me wonder what it is all really about and whether it is truly worth it at all.

I told my boyfriend the other night that I need to remap and readdress my own value system. Somewhere along the line, I've lost myself and I'm not even really sure if I can get it back. Burnout and stress seems to have stripped me. At the same time, I feel that cannot be possible. I am, after all, only twenty-one years old and only just that (september 18).... So how is it even possible that I would and could be so freaking worn out?

I think it has something to do with the fact that I give my all to every job just as I give my all to every relationship, and I give my all to school. At some point, something's got to give back. My boyfriend is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I think he's helping me to understand a little better that this job is not my world and nor should it be. I am very young and I understand that I only have one chance to be this young, but I've always figured that was why I needed to succeed now because then I'd be set up to succeed later, but if I'm not happy with who I am, what is success really worth? Something to ponder as I continue working on my homework!!!

Sleep Deprivation

I haven't slept more than four hours in six days now. I'm beginning to get worried. I understand that stress can influence anxiety and anxiety can prevent sleep. I'm so tired right now that the lines are beginning to blur... I've tried going to bed now four times, and nothing has worked. I've used all of the normal remedies, meditation, sleep tea, relaxing stretches...I'm almost to the point of pills!

What am I worried about? Nothing out of the ordinary. My problems are the same that plague any human being, and indeed any typical college student. I lost my phone (or it was stolen, not quite sure about that, but I have my suspicions), so I feel completely detached from those few that might actually take a moment to call me, I need money (who doesn't), and it seems (through nobody's fault but my own) that my checking account is ever-shrinking while my credit card bills are ever-growing.

Good news, though. I have nearly all of my christmas shopping done, and all the birthdays are done up to the end of the year, so hopefully that'll spell something good for me in the near future. Now if only I could find a job that paid twenty dollars an hour for part time work, I'd be in heaven (oh yeah, did I mention I need hours around school?). Of course this is not likely, and might possibly be part of what is plaguing me this evening/morning.

Then there is the ever-popular issue of school. I have a wonderfully early class beginning at 8 am tomorrow morning that I am very likely to sleep through because I cannot seem to rest my mind this evening. How am I supposed to get the grades I expect of myself if I cannot even sit through my classes? Good news though, if I skip this class, then I don't have to get up until about 9:15, and even then all I have to do is show up for a minute and I can possibly even skip my psych stats class later.....as long as I promise to read all of the chapters because I have two tests next week in each of these classes i'm talking about skipping. OH yea, plus I have a test on Wednesday in my Management & Organizational Behavior class that I have studied for but definitely need more of a review on.....hmmmmmmmmmm....this should make for a fun semester, I think.... Anyway, must be leaving now. Hopefully this time I can get some sleep.... We'll see.

By the way,

here is an AWESOME website to visit...

www.allaboutmidgets.typepad.com

The Matrix

I sometimes wonder about the matrix. Each of us has definitely had some impact on our reality, haven't we? Our own biases choose what we originally think about a person when we see them (stereotypes), or even if we decide to see them at all! Some people or objects we simply ignore because they cannot be important if they are not harmful or wonderful. Sometimes, I think it takes watching children to understand the world around us. A rose is just another plant until somebody takes a moment to smell it. A song is just another bit of noise unless somebody listens. The world is just going to go by unless somebody lives it. Then again, what does that take, exactly.

What is living? Is it really just a bunch of chemical reactions in our brains? If so, what is all of this stress about? Why do people worry about things like jobs and schoo, and drama and politics? Are we really so lost in our own worlds that we are failing to see what is truly going on and if so, who would be around to tell us? I wonder about myself when I am down. I always have to ask myself what I am down about? The answers, I'm afraid, always seem rather dumb.

I'm not pretty enough, nobody will ever truly love me, I'll grow old alone and miserable. Well, I certainly will with that attitude. Why do I persist in worshiping all that is negative? Why instead can I not focus on simple things like the man I've fallen in love with, or the opportunities presenting themselves at school and in work? Why is it always the stress that shines through? I suppose many of these you will have no answer to and I honestly don't expect one anyhow. I'm sure I can chalk it up to any number of reasons.

It's fall, (I hate this time of year), I'm about to turn 21, which would be great except that my birthday always depresses me because it never turns out right, and I'm sure that somehow or another I'm going to screw up my next set of interviews, so I'll be turned down for another set of jobs.

With this in mind, if you've even read this far, you may wonder at my attempt to be positive. It is true, I love the world around me and all of the people in it. It is true that sometimes I feel that each day as I get older, I am dying a little more inside, becoming a little bit more cynical. It is also true that this blog post is chalk full of crap writing, but I can't help it. These are my thoughts, in this order, and at this time. You may not like them, or understand them, or even give a rat's a**, but for whatever reason, you've decided to read them. So I suppose my next post should be something a little bit more interesting, eh? :)

Amazed

The definition of amaze is to fill someone with wonder. Is that how you feel when you are amazed at something? When did we lose our sense of wonder? Was it when we grew up and suddenly realized we had jobs to attend to and bills to pay? Did it happen because now there seem to be more bills than money floating around? Why do we look at the sky and ignore it's presence? Has science destroyed the wonder of the sunrise? Is it because we have an explanation for everything be it discovered or not yet?

"At the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know that place for the very first time." T.S. Elliot I feel wonder at the greenness of the grass even though I know what causes it. This may seem ignorant. I feel wonder when I see a child learning what a bike is, even before they find out they can learn to ride it. I find wonder in the ways of people not like me, be them my neighbors, born in a different time of different traditions, or a people like the Trobrianders - well studied and yet still maintaining and retaining their cultural values.

"With thought comes understanding. Through understanding arrives patience, respect and love. Through love, I maintain, we are human." Love is such an interesting and complicated word. It can be as inspiring as demanding, as wonderful as odious, as tedious as exciting. Love requires patience, respect, and definitely understanding. I have to say that understanding does come from thought but also from interaction. People must communicate in order to be able to understand each other in any decent way.

Weather Chatter

Well, I have realized I am an advanced student in the art of saying absolutely nothing. What does that mean? Why nothing, of course. It's so funny that we as people can talk to one another and acknowledge that we couldn't care less about one another but yet feel the compulsion to create some kind of useless chatter. Most commonly about the weather outside. I never notice what it's like outside until I'm trying to be polite and create a conversation I don't want to have to care about or think about later. I find this strange. yet at the same time, it would be rude not to say something at least....... People would be put off my my stuck-up behavior, wouldn't they? Who knows. I just know I'm done talking about the weather for one day at least.