Silence

Have you ever felt the urge to simply melt away? What I mean is melt into the background and simply disappear, wondering which of the people around you would notice first, if any. I don't wonder whether my friends care about me or not, but rather what affect, if any I've had on their lives. Each of us hopes to have a positive affect on one another or at least for everybody to have positive memories of us when we are gone. I sometimes wonder, like tonight (when I'm drifting in this strange not depressed but certainly not happy mood) what the people would say about me should something happen. Of course it is not proper for them to be happy, but it would be funny, if somewhat saddening if they were to throw a party...(although i'd be dead, so who's there to care right lol). If I could choose what I would have people remember of me, I would like to think they would remember me as passionate, caring, driven, intelligent, playful, and loyal...(i sound like a dog.......wow).

I know this seems strange for someone my age, (21 for those of you who don't know) to be thinking about death and what people will remember of me. A little bit of history might be necessary. Everybody deals with death in a different way. I deal with death by immersing myself in work and school and socializing. I turn into a social butterfly every time something bad happens to me, hiding everything I am feeling. When the grief does surface, it surfaces in periods of depression or at least a random melancholy that creates thoughts such as those above. I begin thinking about my legacy and what I will leave behind. I am a poor college student, worth more dead than alive at the moment....although I'm sure my parents would love for me to stay around to pay off my student loans lol...

So the only thing that I really have is memory. I don't have many pictures of me and my friends doing the things we have done, but they remember me for them still. My coworkers, who knows what they'd say about me, but I would hope it might be something along the lines of what I have above. They might add pushy, bossy, annoying, or some other form of it, but that's ok too. Ummmm yea, I guess that's it for the mood tonight, I'm going to go to bed.