One word to describe yourself

If you only had one word to describe yourself to the world, your essence, the entirety of your being.
These are the words that I currently use to describe myself, or think of myself as:
- thoughtful
- inspirational
- intelligent
- pretty
- fat
- ambiguous
- lonely
- empowered
- happy
- intriguing
- funny
- sisterly
- motherly
- wifely
- friendly
- trusting
- trustworthy
- gullible
- wifely
- content
- ambitious
- passionate
- centered
- spiritual
- exclusive
- belittling
- judgmental
- prejudiced
- liar
- hurtful
- demanding
- nagging
- expectant
- rigid
- high-strung
- lost
- confused
- searching
- trying
- working
- hard
- rude
- shy
- loud
- giddy
- serene
- raunchy
- sleepy
- fatigued
- writer
- crafter
- worker
- manager
- contributor
- selfish
- buddhist
- christian
- married
- scholarly
- student


Do you have other words you would use to describe me?  Please be honest, as I can never learn, improve, and be a better person without honesty to myself and with others.

A New Me

I recently quit my job without having another job lined up. After panicking a bit, I realized that this would be the best for both Andrew and me as I would be able to stay at home and clean the house. With two years worth of clutter piling up, we do not have a room in the house that is clean and tidy. I have not realized up until now how stressful having a messy house can be, but as I have cleaned the house, I have felt a deep sense of purification within myself as well, and hope to continue my journey through the house.

Andrew and I have been able to spend more time working on us as well, which has been a wonderful change from the consistent talks just regarding work. While those still happen, and are added to questions about how my own search is going for my next career, we are also talking of other things. Current events are interesting when seen from the view of a person who is no longer stressed to the max, and can be less cynical about the world around her. I find that I am more often amused by the games than distraught by them.

Update!

I just realized how long it has been since my last post. It is probable that nobody reads this but on the off-chance that they do, I don't want them to miss out on several months worth!

In April, my husband and I went to Hawaii and it was absolutely amazing. We stayed on Kuai, and for the first portion of the 10 day trip, we rented a house in Kapa'a, which was absolutely gorgeous, modern, wall full of windows sort of house and was amazing. It was the most inspirational place I have ever been too. The southern portion on the island as well as the southwest is very arid and desert-like. The north and northwest of the island is a rain forest, and the eastern side is temperate. It was absolutely amazing to be able to visit each portion and enjoy the weather no matter wherever we were on the island. I felt at home there as I never have anywhere else, a connection to the writer in me, but then again, that may just be wishful thinking and the pleasantness of it being my husband's an my one-year anniversary/honeymoon trip.

After that, I finally got my Thyroid levels all figured out and the green light to start trying to get pregnant.

As far as work has been concerned, I also took on the role of Communications Director at the community and have really enjoyed the opportunity and challenges presented when facing the restructuring and retraining of employees for a department that was already in existence, although playing a different role.

My crochet club ladies and I are also working hard to make sure that we have crafts for our Alzheimer's Silent Auction coming up next month and hopefully we will have quite a few things to show for our efforts. I have raised some money online on my website and really appreciate any and all of the donations for that.

I don't really know what else to add at the moment. My husband is doing wonderfully and I am very proud of him and what he is working on as Director of Marketing at his company, and the cats are sleeping and purring away, just waiting for their next set of pets....and maybe a snack :) Until next time.

Time to think.

Sometimes, there seems to be too much time to think. One ends up examining, re-examining, and then further contemplating the same examinations of the feelings and/or ideas they began with. If you have ever done this, you are like me....and yes, you have issues :).

I have found myself in this rut several times in the past few months. For a while, I had to seriously contemplate where my career was heading and if I really wanted to be a part of that direction. After a long debate and conversation with myself and my husband, I decided that this is, indeed, what I want....which kind of sucked. It is much more difficult to stay somewhere that you have decided is going to be a right fit for you at some point and still try to fit your round peg into that square hole. So, a month later, I believe things are somewhat settling down into a regular pattern and working out more smoothly, which I definitely like. Still, I will have to be wary of any advanced signs of boredom.

My health has been improving steadily, although the hormones are still not completely regulated, I will go back in the beginning of March to find out what the next step is, if any. Hopefully the tests will come back well and I won't have to change anything, but I have a feeling that will not be the answer I receive. It is frustrating having to hold off on having children but the hormone regulation is very important for child development and my stress level which also affects child development, so I am trying to be patient. Even still, my weight is still climbing. The Wii fit has helped me get back into the mood to exercise but seems to limit my drive somewhat. I find myself yearning for warmer temperatures so I can start jogging and work my way up to running. If I can keep this drive in my mind, I believe that I can lose weight and gain my thinner physique.

My husband and I are doing very well. We have a few bumps in the road but what couple doesn't? I think that my health still affects us somewhat and my hours at work definitely have an effect on my patience with my husband, but he is perfect in the way he loves me for myself, the good and the bad. I love him the same way and although he does drive me crazy or upset me or frustrate me sometimes, I know that we will always get through things together. After the past year, I don't know how I would even begin to doubt that!

Social life - nonexistent. Mainly because of work, but also because I simply don't have many long-term friends in this area. One of my friends lives pretty close but he works a lot and usually at the opposite times that I do so it does not work out to hang out very often with him. Still, I need to try and make time to hang out with my friends more often, lest I begin to lose them. Still, I have begun to develop friendships with people at work (wow that sentence sounds cold, but true). I really enjoy what I do and who I work with, but not necessarily the constraints of how it must get accomplished. Such is life, however, and one must sometimes adhere to the standards before one can change them.

Personally I am working on my issues. I have been seeing a psychologist about the things that I need help working through. While I understand that no change comes overnight and a thought process change for someone who is always concentrating on thoughts is probably even more difficult (can't just stop and reboot), I have to try and work at it. Meanwhile I am falling asleep at my desk and have to be at work tomorrow, so I suppose I should probably head to sleep.

A Rose

This new post, because of the new year, should really focus on what has gone on since my last post, but it will not. Instead, it will focus on my favorite flower, the rose...specifically, the red rose.

To call it a miracle may seem trite, but it's simplistic, elegant beauty does remind me of miracles. Everything from the sateen velvety finish on the petal to the strength and fierceness of the stem and thorns makes me think. The smell tickles my nose....as all smells seem to, but I truly enjoy the scent of the rose and so cannot resist smelling them. The petals are both stretchy and yet strong for the fragility they present. Maybe it is the direct opposition of the petals to the sturdy stem and imposing thorns that makes all the difference of the rose.

Red is by far the only color I love. While all of the other colors are beautiful and plentiful, there is only one that represents boldness and passion. A vibrant declaration of feelings for another. Forgive the sweetness of the pinks or the steadiness of the whites, for they are beautiful but can never compare with a deep, vivid, red rose.

Remission of body, but not of mind?

Remission may refer to:

• Remission (spectroscopy), the reflection or scattering of light by a material
• Remission (Skinny Puppy album)
• Remission (Mastodon album)
• Re-Mission, a video game for young people with cancer
• In theology, "remission" is the forgiveness of sin.
• In penology, "remission" refers to the reduction of a prison sentence. See pardon.
  

My cancer is "in remission" which means that I am -ish. I'm cancer-free currently but with the caveat that it may come back at any time for any reason....or no reason at all. I have been in remission since September of this year, the best birthday present one can receive, I should think. Psychologically, I have not dealt with the cancer or any of it's consequences. The only reason I am thinking of it currently is because I am trying to prepare for my mother's surgery and four-day hospital stay later on this December. I did, however, find it interesting that remission can be attributed to so many meanings. While this is a wikipedia search and therefore not the most reliable, it is also very interesting.

I will be leaving for Branson in two weeks, which will be my very first trip by myself. I am looking forward to it. I've never had a trip where I got to make all of the calls. Whatever I want to eat, where to go, what to do, what to see. Nobody gets a say in what, who, where, when, or why I go to do something. It's a sense of freedom I'm sure I will be sick of after three nights alone without my husband and my cats, but I think it will do me some good for a while to be alone with my thoughts, my ideas, my mind, and my own feelings.

When I went on the 10-day trip to canada, I hated so much of the trip because of the loneliness even though there were others there, an overwhelming sense of self came out of it. Over the years between then and now, I feel as though I've grown out and away and lost much of the self I had found back then. My goal for myself for this trip is to redefine my goals for work, home, and self.

New Job, New Outlook

I finally received an offer and accepted it to work in what I am completely convinced will be an awarding career. I will be a Senior Living Counselor with the ability to use my psychology skills, my creativity, and my work ethic to assist this company's growth. Each and every one of the people I have talked with and worked with seem to be very friendly and while I know the rosy period will not last long, and drama will come to this new position as it has all the others, I cannot deny the pleasure of being proud of myself and this opportunity. I cannot wait to begin assisting Seniors and their families look at all of the options open to them in creating a better life for themselves and their families. I truly enjoy helping people and feel that not only can I do that with this company, but I can also provide for my family as well, which has always been a concern previously. Please feel free to look over the website. Although some of the information is somewhat out-of-date, we are excited to present Assisted Living at the Meadowlands! :)
http://meadowlandsassistedliving.com/

Newer Poems 1

No, It's Not All Right
It's not all right to feel this way,
To constantly wonder why,
I cannot be loved.
It's not all right to wonder why,
Nobody understands,
What I feel and need.
It's not all right that I can't describe,
These feelings to you,
without tears blocking the words.
It's not all right that I keep this
Bottled up inside,
Hiding it from you.
It's not all right that I consider it disfigurement,
This disease that eats away,
all our happy moments.
It's not all right that I cannot show you,
How you mean the world to me,
No, it's not all right, but I still love you.

I Know It
If I see it,
I can learn the colors of it's moods,
I can understand it's actions through sight,
If I can see it, I can know it.
If I touch it,
The texture's become it,
The temperature of it's moods move me,
If I can touch it, I can know it.
If I taste it,
The saltiness will make me crave it,
The sweetness, and bitterness define it,
If I can taste it, I can know it.
If I can smell it,
I will remember it,
Pungent, or wonderful, I will be attracted or repelled by it,
If I can smell it, I can know it.
If I can hear it,
It will make an impact on me,
Whether sweet and melodious, or harsh and abrasive,
If I can hear it, I can know it.
If I can sense it,
I make it real,
but what if I can't?
If I can't sense it, can I know it?
If I believe it,
Then can I sense it?
Or am I just creating the sensations to go with my perceptions?
If I just believe it, can I know it?

Anxiety
It's there, all of it,
floating through my mind even as
it never leaves me.
My heart yearns to know
days without anxiety
holding me down here.
It hurts, knowing that
you wont understand my fear;
my pain is mine alone.
Years cannot take away
the wounds that have done so much
never healing me.
Childhood will always
remain a figment of my
created matrix.
The walls of my mind
will only hold me back if
I allow them to.

Writing

It is the ink, I think,
The flowing of it onto the page,
I love watching the marks I make.
The words themselves release my pain,
My frustrations, anger, and sorrow flee,
When I have my pen and paper with me.


What Bothers Me So?

It is not the world that bothers me so,
Nor the people, the animals, the weather,
Nor even my moods, which may vary randomly and seemingly out of my control.
No, it is the ignorance that bothers me so,
The refusal to take action, responsibility,
The refusal to have the courage to be wrong, even if it avoids hurting someone.
It is not you or me, but you and me.
It is not black, white, mixed,
But rather green, blue, purple, red, yellow, and brown, because it is our earth.
Shall we choose the easy road, the he said, she said, but but buts?
I shall hope not, for ignorance does bother me so.

Bride to Be

When I said yes I didn't realize the test
Would come long before we said our vows.
I had no idea of the strains of time and that
budgets could make us so frustrated.
This is supposed to be a beautiful day,
momentous and pure and yet I forget
The chores we must do before we
can receive the blessings of those we love.
It is so easy to lost sight of what
this day will mean to us for the
rest of our lives, because of those
expectations from the people we love.
Even still, I can't wait to see the look on your face
As i walk down the aisle toward you, the love of my life.
I can't wait to see if the planning we've done makes us
happier that day, or if it will be fun. Either way, I kinda just want it done.

Blah

Nothing at all to do,
No energy to move.
Who cares about what comes next?
Let someone else have all that stress.
I don't feel like it,
So let's just sit.
Don't feel like sleeping,
Laughing or weeping.
Can't make me choose,
What we should do.
Save your hurrahs,
Today is just blah.


Tears

Can't breathe, vision blurring,
Bouts of despair that keep returning.
Body curling, fighting against,
These feelings never making sense.
The world around me has not changed,
Why then can't I feel the same,
As those around me who seem to know
What to do and just where to go?
Lately I cannot even react,
To simple things with sense and tact.
My eyes are watering, my throat constricts,
What sets me off? I cannot predict.
My stomach rolls like thunder clouds,
Every organ reacts to shouts out loud.
What happened to my stoic presence?
Why can't I react in a way that makes sense?
I long to find that peace and joy,
The inner child whose world is her toy.
I crave the ideals that I once entertained,
Somehow I fear I'll never be the same.

My Solace

It is only for you I come home to stay,
And only for you I come out and play.
I long to see you each morning only to find,
You've left my bed and me behind.
And yet it is a short walk until I'm reassured,
You'll always be there, keeping me safe and secure.
My warmth and my love, my heart and my fire,
You are my solace and my only desire.


Waiting

For something...
But what?
Fingers drumming...
Nothing coming,
Why can't something happen?
No longer bored, but still waiting.
What for? I don't know, maybe I never will...
Thoughts drifting, mind spacing,
Back to reality! But what is that exactly?
Ideas and thoughts crowd the mind, only to be left,
drifting,
as the body wearily lays about,
Waiting, waiting,
For the world to pass me by.

Wishing for Me

I was once,
A cunning child, calculating, and selfish.
I was once,
A perfect child, innocent, and sweet.
I was once,
An interested child, attentive, and committed.
I was once an anxious child,
And find I still am now.
For all these things I once was, I'm still awaiting who I am now.
Am I all these descriptives I get daily at work? Do I really belong to the words of my teachers, or those of my friends? Is it my family who knows me, or my fiance himself?
What it is to learn and know who I was,
All I wish now is to know who I am.

Pure

Purity of life comes from wonder,
knowledge and the desire to understand.
Purity of life comes from us,
Sharing our cares and memories.
Knowledge of life comes from living,
Although living is accompanied by many things.
Knowledge of life comes to us,
Throughout each moment we breathe.
Love of life comes from people,
Knowing and growing with each other.
Love of life comes from and to us,
Because we open our hearts and our minds.

Another of You

I smile when I see you,
Feel you when I don't,
Love you and care for you,
Even though I know you wont.
I know happiness when you are around,
Although it is subtle and sweet,
Always hope crashes to the ground,
Every time you leave me to weep.
Why can't you simply stay with me,
Why can't you simply love me,
I need you here with me,
So why won't you be?