Silence

Have you ever felt the urge to simply melt away? What I mean is melt into the background and simply disappear, wondering which of the people around you would notice first, if any. I don't wonder whether my friends care about me or not, but rather what affect, if any I've had on their lives. Each of us hopes to have a positive affect on one another or at least for everybody to have positive memories of us when we are gone. I sometimes wonder, like tonight (when I'm drifting in this strange not depressed but certainly not happy mood) what the people would say about me should something happen. Of course it is not proper for them to be happy, but it would be funny, if somewhat saddening if they were to throw a party...(although i'd be dead, so who's there to care right lol). If I could choose what I would have people remember of me, I would like to think they would remember me as passionate, caring, driven, intelligent, playful, and loyal...(i sound like a dog.......wow).

I know this seems strange for someone my age, (21 for those of you who don't know) to be thinking about death and what people will remember of me. A little bit of history might be necessary. Everybody deals with death in a different way. I deal with death by immersing myself in work and school and socializing. I turn into a social butterfly every time something bad happens to me, hiding everything I am feeling. When the grief does surface, it surfaces in periods of depression or at least a random melancholy that creates thoughts such as those above. I begin thinking about my legacy and what I will leave behind. I am a poor college student, worth more dead than alive at the moment....although I'm sure my parents would love for me to stay around to pay off my student loans lol...

So the only thing that I really have is memory. I don't have many pictures of me and my friends doing the things we have done, but they remember me for them still. My coworkers, who knows what they'd say about me, but I would hope it might be something along the lines of what I have above. They might add pushy, bossy, annoying, or some other form of it, but that's ok too. Ummmm yea, I guess that's it for the mood tonight, I'm going to go to bed.

Exhaustion

Anybody that has ever taken a class involving the word stress, or gone to work, or school, or lived any sort of challenging life has at some point hit the exhaustion stage. I hit sometime Saturday when I was working for the 15th day in a row. Now this is not to say that I worked at Office Depot for fifteen days in a row, no I only worked there for six days at a time in a row, then I would go home and on sundays I would take off to go do homework for twelve hours, or at least as many hours as I could keep my eyes awake.

So Saturday is my last full day working before I can take a couple of days "off." This really means that I can simply finally get caught up on all of the damn school work that I've been putting off so that I could get the overtime hours at work. Even though I know I'm going to like my next check, it makes me wonder what it is all really about and whether it is truly worth it at all.

I told my boyfriend the other night that I need to remap and readdress my own value system. Somewhere along the line, I've lost myself and I'm not even really sure if I can get it back. Burnout and stress seems to have stripped me. At the same time, I feel that cannot be possible. I am, after all, only twenty-one years old and only just that (september 18).... So how is it even possible that I would and could be so freaking worn out?

I think it has something to do with the fact that I give my all to every job just as I give my all to every relationship, and I give my all to school. At some point, something's got to give back. My boyfriend is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I think he's helping me to understand a little better that this job is not my world and nor should it be. I am very young and I understand that I only have one chance to be this young, but I've always figured that was why I needed to succeed now because then I'd be set up to succeed later, but if I'm not happy with who I am, what is success really worth? Something to ponder as I continue working on my homework!!!