I haven't slept more than four hours in six days now. I'm beginning to get worried. I understand that stress can influence anxiety and anxiety can prevent sleep. I'm so tired right now that the lines are beginning to blur... I've tried going to bed now four times, and nothing has worked. I've used all of the normal remedies, meditation, sleep tea, relaxing stretches...I'm almost to the point of pills!
What am I worried about? Nothing out of the ordinary. My problems are the same that plague any human being, and indeed any typical college student. I lost my phone (or it was stolen, not quite sure about that, but I have my suspicions), so I feel completely detached from those few that might actually take a moment to call me, I need money (who doesn't), and it seems (through nobody's fault but my own) that my checking account is ever-shrinking while my credit card bills are ever-growing.
Good news, though. I have nearly all of my christmas shopping done, and all the birthdays are done up to the end of the year, so hopefully that'll spell something good for me in the near future. Now if only I could find a job that paid twenty dollars an hour for part time work, I'd be in heaven (oh yeah, did I mention I need hours around school?). Of course this is not likely, and might possibly be part of what is plaguing me this evening/morning.
Then there is the ever-popular issue of school. I have a wonderfully early class beginning at 8 am tomorrow morning that I am very likely to sleep through because I cannot seem to rest my mind this evening. How am I supposed to get the grades I expect of myself if I cannot even sit through my classes? Good news though, if I skip this class, then I don't have to get up until about 9:15, and even then all I have to do is show up for a minute and I can possibly even skip my psych stats class later.....as long as I promise to read all of the chapters because I have two tests next week in each of these classes i'm talking about skipping. OH yea, plus I have a test on Wednesday in my Management & Organizational Behavior class that I have studied for but definitely need more of a review on.....hmmmmmmmmmm....this should make for a fun semester, I think.... Anyway, must be leaving now. Hopefully this time I can get some sleep.... We'll see.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
The Matrix
I sometimes wonder about the matrix. Each of us has definitely had some impact on our reality, haven't we? Our own biases choose what we originally think about a person when we see them (stereotypes), or even if we decide to see them at all! Some people or objects we simply ignore because they cannot be important if they are not harmful or wonderful. Sometimes, I think it takes watching children to understand the world around us. A rose is just another plant until somebody takes a moment to smell it. A song is just another bit of noise unless somebody listens. The world is just going to go by unless somebody lives it. Then again, what does that take, exactly.
What is living? Is it really just a bunch of chemical reactions in our brains? If so, what is all of this stress about? Why do people worry about things like jobs and schoo, and drama and politics? Are we really so lost in our own worlds that we are failing to see what is truly going on and if so, who would be around to tell us? I wonder about myself when I am down. I always have to ask myself what I am down about? The answers, I'm afraid, always seem rather dumb.
I'm not pretty enough, nobody will ever truly love me, I'll grow old alone and miserable. Well, I certainly will with that attitude. Why do I persist in worshiping all that is negative? Why instead can I not focus on simple things like the man I've fallen in love with, or the opportunities presenting themselves at school and in work? Why is it always the stress that shines through? I suppose many of these you will have no answer to and I honestly don't expect one anyhow. I'm sure I can chalk it up to any number of reasons.
It's fall, (I hate this time of year), I'm about to turn 21, which would be great except that my birthday always depresses me because it never turns out right, and I'm sure that somehow or another I'm going to screw up my next set of interviews, so I'll be turned down for another set of jobs.
With this in mind, if you've even read this far, you may wonder at my attempt to be positive. It is true, I love the world around me and all of the people in it. It is true that sometimes I feel that each day as I get older, I am dying a little more inside, becoming a little bit more cynical. It is also true that this blog post is chalk full of crap writing, but I can't help it. These are my thoughts, in this order, and at this time. You may not like them, or understand them, or even give a rat's a**, but for whatever reason, you've decided to read them. So I suppose my next post should be something a little bit more interesting, eh? :)
What is living? Is it really just a bunch of chemical reactions in our brains? If so, what is all of this stress about? Why do people worry about things like jobs and schoo, and drama and politics? Are we really so lost in our own worlds that we are failing to see what is truly going on and if so, who would be around to tell us? I wonder about myself when I am down. I always have to ask myself what I am down about? The answers, I'm afraid, always seem rather dumb.
I'm not pretty enough, nobody will ever truly love me, I'll grow old alone and miserable. Well, I certainly will with that attitude. Why do I persist in worshiping all that is negative? Why instead can I not focus on simple things like the man I've fallen in love with, or the opportunities presenting themselves at school and in work? Why is it always the stress that shines through? I suppose many of these you will have no answer to and I honestly don't expect one anyhow. I'm sure I can chalk it up to any number of reasons.
It's fall, (I hate this time of year), I'm about to turn 21, which would be great except that my birthday always depresses me because it never turns out right, and I'm sure that somehow or another I'm going to screw up my next set of interviews, so I'll be turned down for another set of jobs.
With this in mind, if you've even read this far, you may wonder at my attempt to be positive. It is true, I love the world around me and all of the people in it. It is true that sometimes I feel that each day as I get older, I am dying a little more inside, becoming a little bit more cynical. It is also true that this blog post is chalk full of crap writing, but I can't help it. These are my thoughts, in this order, and at this time. You may not like them, or understand them, or even give a rat's a**, but for whatever reason, you've decided to read them. So I suppose my next post should be something a little bit more interesting, eh? :)
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