Remission of body, but not of mind?

Remission may refer to:

• Remission (spectroscopy), the reflection or scattering of light by a material
• Remission (Skinny Puppy album)
• Remission (Mastodon album)
• Re-Mission, a video game for young people with cancer
• In theology, "remission" is the forgiveness of sin.
• In penology, "remission" refers to the reduction of a prison sentence. See pardon.
  

My cancer is "in remission" which means that I am -ish. I'm cancer-free currently but with the caveat that it may come back at any time for any reason....or no reason at all. I have been in remission since September of this year, the best birthday present one can receive, I should think. Psychologically, I have not dealt with the cancer or any of it's consequences. The only reason I am thinking of it currently is because I am trying to prepare for my mother's surgery and four-day hospital stay later on this December. I did, however, find it interesting that remission can be attributed to so many meanings. While this is a wikipedia search and therefore not the most reliable, it is also very interesting.

I will be leaving for Branson in two weeks, which will be my very first trip by myself. I am looking forward to it. I've never had a trip where I got to make all of the calls. Whatever I want to eat, where to go, what to do, what to see. Nobody gets a say in what, who, where, when, or why I go to do something. It's a sense of freedom I'm sure I will be sick of after three nights alone without my husband and my cats, but I think it will do me some good for a while to be alone with my thoughts, my ideas, my mind, and my own feelings.

When I went on the 10-day trip to canada, I hated so much of the trip because of the loneliness even though there were others there, an overwhelming sense of self came out of it. Over the years between then and now, I feel as though I've grown out and away and lost much of the self I had found back then. My goal for myself for this trip is to redefine my goals for work, home, and self.

New Job, New Outlook

I finally received an offer and accepted it to work in what I am completely convinced will be an awarding career. I will be a Senior Living Counselor with the ability to use my psychology skills, my creativity, and my work ethic to assist this company's growth. Each and every one of the people I have talked with and worked with seem to be very friendly and while I know the rosy period will not last long, and drama will come to this new position as it has all the others, I cannot deny the pleasure of being proud of myself and this opportunity. I cannot wait to begin assisting Seniors and their families look at all of the options open to them in creating a better life for themselves and their families. I truly enjoy helping people and feel that not only can I do that with this company, but I can also provide for my family as well, which has always been a concern previously. Please feel free to look over the website. Although some of the information is somewhat out-of-date, we are excited to present Assisted Living at the Meadowlands! :)
http://meadowlandsassistedliving.com/

Newer Poems 1

No, It's Not All Right
It's not all right to feel this way,
To constantly wonder why,
I cannot be loved.
It's not all right to wonder why,
Nobody understands,
What I feel and need.
It's not all right that I can't describe,
These feelings to you,
without tears blocking the words.
It's not all right that I keep this
Bottled up inside,
Hiding it from you.
It's not all right that I consider it disfigurement,
This disease that eats away,
all our happy moments.
It's not all right that I cannot show you,
How you mean the world to me,
No, it's not all right, but I still love you.

I Know It
If I see it,
I can learn the colors of it's moods,
I can understand it's actions through sight,
If I can see it, I can know it.
If I touch it,
The texture's become it,
The temperature of it's moods move me,
If I can touch it, I can know it.
If I taste it,
The saltiness will make me crave it,
The sweetness, and bitterness define it,
If I can taste it, I can know it.
If I can smell it,
I will remember it,
Pungent, or wonderful, I will be attracted or repelled by it,
If I can smell it, I can know it.
If I can hear it,
It will make an impact on me,
Whether sweet and melodious, or harsh and abrasive,
If I can hear it, I can know it.
If I can sense it,
I make it real,
but what if I can't?
If I can't sense it, can I know it?
If I believe it,
Then can I sense it?
Or am I just creating the sensations to go with my perceptions?
If I just believe it, can I know it?

Anxiety
It's there, all of it,
floating through my mind even as
it never leaves me.
My heart yearns to know
days without anxiety
holding me down here.
It hurts, knowing that
you wont understand my fear;
my pain is mine alone.
Years cannot take away
the wounds that have done so much
never healing me.
Childhood will always
remain a figment of my
created matrix.
The walls of my mind
will only hold me back if
I allow them to.

Writing

It is the ink, I think,
The flowing of it onto the page,
I love watching the marks I make.
The words themselves release my pain,
My frustrations, anger, and sorrow flee,
When I have my pen and paper with me.


What Bothers Me So?

It is not the world that bothers me so,
Nor the people, the animals, the weather,
Nor even my moods, which may vary randomly and seemingly out of my control.
No, it is the ignorance that bothers me so,
The refusal to take action, responsibility,
The refusal to have the courage to be wrong, even if it avoids hurting someone.
It is not you or me, but you and me.
It is not black, white, mixed,
But rather green, blue, purple, red, yellow, and brown, because it is our earth.
Shall we choose the easy road, the he said, she said, but but buts?
I shall hope not, for ignorance does bother me so.

Bride to Be

When I said yes I didn't realize the test
Would come long before we said our vows.
I had no idea of the strains of time and that
budgets could make us so frustrated.
This is supposed to be a beautiful day,
momentous and pure and yet I forget
The chores we must do before we
can receive the blessings of those we love.
It is so easy to lost sight of what
this day will mean to us for the
rest of our lives, because of those
expectations from the people we love.
Even still, I can't wait to see the look on your face
As i walk down the aisle toward you, the love of my life.
I can't wait to see if the planning we've done makes us
happier that day, or if it will be fun. Either way, I kinda just want it done.

Blah

Nothing at all to do,
No energy to move.
Who cares about what comes next?
Let someone else have all that stress.
I don't feel like it,
So let's just sit.
Don't feel like sleeping,
Laughing or weeping.
Can't make me choose,
What we should do.
Save your hurrahs,
Today is just blah.


Tears

Can't breathe, vision blurring,
Bouts of despair that keep returning.
Body curling, fighting against,
These feelings never making sense.
The world around me has not changed,
Why then can't I feel the same,
As those around me who seem to know
What to do and just where to go?
Lately I cannot even react,
To simple things with sense and tact.
My eyes are watering, my throat constricts,
What sets me off? I cannot predict.
My stomach rolls like thunder clouds,
Every organ reacts to shouts out loud.
What happened to my stoic presence?
Why can't I react in a way that makes sense?
I long to find that peace and joy,
The inner child whose world is her toy.
I crave the ideals that I once entertained,
Somehow I fear I'll never be the same.

My Solace

It is only for you I come home to stay,
And only for you I come out and play.
I long to see you each morning only to find,
You've left my bed and me behind.
And yet it is a short walk until I'm reassured,
You'll always be there, keeping me safe and secure.
My warmth and my love, my heart and my fire,
You are my solace and my only desire.


Waiting

For something...
But what?
Fingers drumming...
Nothing coming,
Why can't something happen?
No longer bored, but still waiting.
What for? I don't know, maybe I never will...
Thoughts drifting, mind spacing,
Back to reality! But what is that exactly?
Ideas and thoughts crowd the mind, only to be left,
drifting,
as the body wearily lays about,
Waiting, waiting,
For the world to pass me by.

Wishing for Me

I was once,
A cunning child, calculating, and selfish.
I was once,
A perfect child, innocent, and sweet.
I was once,
An interested child, attentive, and committed.
I was once an anxious child,
And find I still am now.
For all these things I once was, I'm still awaiting who I am now.
Am I all these descriptives I get daily at work? Do I really belong to the words of my teachers, or those of my friends? Is it my family who knows me, or my fiance himself?
What it is to learn and know who I was,
All I wish now is to know who I am.

Pure

Purity of life comes from wonder,
knowledge and the desire to understand.
Purity of life comes from us,
Sharing our cares and memories.
Knowledge of life comes from living,
Although living is accompanied by many things.
Knowledge of life comes to us,
Throughout each moment we breathe.
Love of life comes from people,
Knowing and growing with each other.
Love of life comes from and to us,
Because we open our hearts and our minds.

Another of You

I smile when I see you,
Feel you when I don't,
Love you and care for you,
Even though I know you wont.
I know happiness when you are around,
Although it is subtle and sweet,
Always hope crashes to the ground,
Every time you leave me to weep.
Why can't you simply stay with me,
Why can't you simply love me,
I need you here with me,
So why won't you be?

Saving the rainforest one click at a time

Pure Girlish Excitement

So I never thought that I would be the type to go crazy over something as girly as a wedding dress and shopping for shoes, bridesmaid dresses, hair, etc… It somewhat surprises me even now that I’m feeling completely giddy and excited about the fact that I tried on my dress, although it’s in a different color, today, and then ordered it!!! I didn’t even bat an eyelash when my mother unexpectedly decided that she would pay for the dress!! I’m not going to complain considering it was over a thousand dollars that I definitely do not have… Of course, this afternoon I ended up spending four hundred on my car, but that’s something I’ll talk about in a little bit.

So Crystal, Kayla, Mom, and I all went to The Enchanted Bride, a shop off of Olive in St. Louis and I tried on my dress for the second time. I was as excited about the dress this time as I was last time, which is what I figured when I tried it on the first time, so I decided to order it. We also tried on a veil, which is beautiful and I think just the right length and I received that one for free along with the dress. Then as that shop did not have the bridesmaid dress in stock that the girls wanted to try on, we decided to head out to Brides by Demetrios in Clayton so they could see if the dress was there to try on. It was!!! The atmosphere was ok in there, not as busy as David’s Bridal (which I couldn’t stand), but not as customer-oriented as The Enchanted Bride either. The girls really liked the dress and in comparing prices, we decided to go back to the Enchanted Bride after lunch to order their gowns.

For lunch we headed to the Cheesecake Factory as it’s one of my favorite restaurants and Crystal had never been before. The service was completely atrocious!!! I love the restaurant and I’m even tempted to not return. The service was slow (40 minutes to receive our food), and then Kayla received the wrong pizza and they took it back promising a new one in 3 minutes, but fifteen minutes later we were all ready to leave and the pizza hadn’t returned, nor had our waitress. This wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if mom didn’t have an appointment to be to, but it was very frustrating. I finally went up to the front desk after another ten minutes and asked for someone to come and help us. Either way I felt really bad that the service was so horrible the one time I brought my friends. Whatever, I don’t even want to go back there for quite a while.

Mom cut her massage a little bit short and didn’t seem too disappointed and Kayla, Crystal, and I headed back to the dress shop to go and get them fitted. It was really quite amusing to see the look on the lady’s face when we all walked back in to get the dresses ordered!!! She was very nice though, and got us taken care of right away. They received 10% off their dresses because I ordered my dress through them.

After all that was said and done I dropped Crystal off at her truck (which was at my house), and then went to go get my oil changed. Dobbs said it would take them two hours and although I had my book I was not willing to waste two hours of my day sitting in that little waiting room for them to scratch their butts so I went over to Jiffy Lube, which seemed slow anyway, and it only took them 40 minutes to get my oil changed, flush the transmission, and take care of a couple of other maintenance issues I asked them to take care of. I though that was pretty nice rather than having to wait until five to get my car back and start in on my homework.

I got my presentation for Marketing pretty much finished but I want the group to look over it anyway. I will memorize what I have until told otherwise and then adjust as necessary. I still haven’t started studying for my Social and Cognitive finals yet, but I think I will do fine as I’ve been to pretty much every class and I’ve done well so far. I can hope anyway.

On another note, work has been somewhat crazy. I think we’ve resolved the issue we had with one of the managers not cooperating with the rest of us, but now we’ve got to look forward to a major executive coming into town next week. My personal life totally does not need this right now, but such is life.

Andrew’s been working late very frequently but he’s about to get a big promotion so it’s all going to work out for the best. This will mean more stress and probably more work for him, but that’s a fair trade for him getting ahead and getting to do what he wants to do. If I didn’t think he would enjoy the advancement opportunity I’d be more worried than happy, but I think this will be a very good opportunity for his growth.

That said, I’m going to bed as the insomnia has finally worn off apparently and will hopefully allow me to sleep now. Good night. By the way, keep in touch!! J

Engagement and Divorce?

The trip to Scottsdale, Arizona over the New Year was wonderful. The weather was perfect. Andrew and I did a lot of relaxing, while at the same time having fun going around to the spa and taking a drive out to see my grandmother and her boyfriend in Tucson. We had good news to bring them because on New Year’s Eve, Andrew asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes, and after a few tears things were perfect. Well that Sunday we went to tell my parents about the engagement and they seemed excited but somewhat tense, I would find out why later.

Work has been going well and I’m getting used to the full time position and I had a week of buffer before this week when school started so even though it was slow, it helped me get used to pulling forty hours. No big deal, at least not until Wednesday when my mother called and told me that she was divorcing my father and would be moving out on Friday. I flipped out. Not on the phone with her, but inside, I was totally freaking out. I still am.

Needless to say Friday was a tense day. My father didn’t know about the divorce yet so I was to tell my brother and keep him and me out of the situation for a while. We went to see a movie, I honestly don’t remember which one we went to see, then we moved mom out of the house after dad had left for work. I had been preparing for the worst, and hoping for the best, but nobody got hurt or did anything stupid, so I was relieved about that. At the same time, though, I ended up staying up with mom and moving until about 3:30 in the morning on Saturday morning. I was supposed to come in and work on Sunday but decided there was no way that was going to happen.

Since then, mom has decided to reconsider marriage counseling. She and my father are still going to live apart for a while, but they’ll go to counseling to see if they can save the marriage. For my brother’s sake, and for their own happiness I wish them the best either way.

I am trying on wedding dresses on Sunday and Andrew and I bought a sleep number bed (hopefully I’ll finally be able to sleep), so I guess that other than drama, life is perfect right now. I just hope my brother is doing okay with everything. In some ways, I tend to think I’m the stronger of the two of us, but I really think he had me beat in this instance, not that it’s a competition. I guess I do sometimes need a shoulder to lean on as much as him.

Christmas Season

It's been quite a while since I last wrote, so I figured that it was time for an update. Things have been going well enough for me. I have no complaints about the lovely house, my wonderful kittens, or my handsome boyfriend.... I do, however, have some real issues with one of my jobs. I figured that I would enjoy being my own boss and setting my own goals. I was wrong. I may enjoy being the boss, but I also need some structure, some defined goals to achieve. I find myself drifting listlessly at the moment in at least one of my jobs. I really don't enjoy it at all.... which leaves me to find another path, and I'm actually considering moving back to Office Depot, because as much as I hated the job, I love it first and there are still aspects I really enjoy about retail whenever I am in the store.

I am also considering taking a different path and finding a way to work full time for the company I am currently with. I need to find a real job anyway, a career to begin. My life is headed in a Human Resources direction, but at the moment I am only finding Band-Aid jobs and while I apply and apply, I always seem just short of grasping those goals.

I have decided that the two evils in this world are health insurance and money. Health insurance is useless in most cases, and absolutely useless for college students who are poor anyway.

Enough griping. I'm looking forward to the trip coming in a few weeks. Andrew and I are going to Scottsdale, Arizona for New Years, which should be fun. Even the kittens are allowed a holiday in a little kitten hotel. He and I are supposed to stop by sometime this week to check it out and make sure that everything looks good. Well, hope life's well with those of you who read this, and even those of you who don't. Take care.